Henry Muhumuza

This is my first blog post. You’re in luck.

Disclosure: I hated creative writing in school. Surely, that doesn’t help with my attempt at blogging right now. Writing was always too much work. Conjuring up a fictional story from my mind always felt forced and unnatural. I suspect this was largely because the topics we had to write about were predetermined, and in a way, imposed on us. They often had some dramatic titles. I just couldn’t bring myself to write anything of value about a ludicrous topic like “The Fateful Night” without cringing. And we were writing for marks!

Blogging is different though. I can write about whatever I want. No rules, just vibes. The only challenge is overcoming that inertial state of staring at a blank page. Penning the first five to ten sentences is mentally agonizing. But once you get in that flow state (punctuated by several breaks), you’re good to go.

I don’t claim to be an expert on anything, so read this blog like you’re secretly, condescendingly eavesdropping on a weird dude talking to himself, thinking no one’s watching.

Now that introductions are done, I’ll nosedive into what’s on my mind today. Actually, not just today. It’s been on my mind for a while: the realization that the weight of existence gets so unbearably, uncomfortably heavy as I grow older. Brings to mind those lyrics from Paradise by Coldplay: “Life goes on, it gets so heavy, the wheel breaks the butterfly, every tear a waterfall...”

This probably arises from the weird asymmetry with which good and bad experiences are recalled. Memories of previous positive experiences are so faint. How nice would it be if you could remember every positive experience you ever had in such great detail; not as if it were just a feeble pencil scribble on the scroll of your mind, but something you could vividly recollect and re-experience! I guess our neurophysiology just isn’t built that way.

On the other hand, negative memories are permanently etched into our minds as if they are stone engravings. I am certain every one of my readers has a memory of a mortifyingly embarrassing moment or painful experience in childhood or high school that you remember as if it happened yesterday. Every time it creeps from the depths of your subconscious, you get sweaty, wince, grit your teeth, as if feeling actual physical pain, wishing you could surgically carve the memory out and throw it as far away as possible.

Sure, I could bear with one or two of those painful memories. But as time goes by, such memories also pile up. Every tiny humiliation, disappointment, rejection, lost dream, and slight from a peer eventually forms a critical mass, marking a point of no return. Popular culture hilariously calls it the point at which “the light leaves one’s eyes.” One meme I particularly liked humorously pointed out that the poster of the meme is no longer asked for identification at the liquor store because the seller can see the light has left his eyes. That’s the sad truth about adulthood.

This light dims to a greatly varying degree across persons. For some (the lucky ones), just a little; for others, it dims to pitch black. It’s mostly a function of the unique set of circumstances each one of us is exposed to. Not all is out of our control, though. I know friends who have lived through the worst of the worst but still maintain a childlike spark in their eyes. The light is dimmed, yes, but significantly less so than expected. Why? I believe the remedy (or answer) is in carefully curating and carving out your own safe little corner of the world regardless of the circumstances you find yourself in.

There’s this one tweet I think about often. It aptly speaks to this matter. It was posted by the user @BenRatkaj. It goes: “All incoming sensory input has Write access to your mind. You cannot change this no matter how intelligent you believe yourself to be.”

In less technical terms, any sound you hear, sight you see, or sensation you feel creates a memory. As long as the senses perceive it, you essentially have no guardrail anymore against your mind registering and storing it.

So be intentionally vicious in curating your environment and sensory inputs. Make a conscious choice to extricate yourself from harmful or potentially traumatizing situations. Be unapologetic about keeping your peace. Build an inner citadel of sorts.

And I don’t just mean escaping an uncomfortable or unpleasant situation after a taste of its unpleasantness. No; don’t even wait to get a single taste in the first place. Stay as far away as possible from it. Don’t be in touch with that abusive partner, don’t enter that room where you feel out of place, stay away from that friend group where you are not welcome, stay away from that foul-mouthed colleague. Just do it.

I admit there are some nuances here. Sometimes you have to stay at that job where you feel unhappy because the bills still have to be paid. Or you still have to share a room with that gossipy, unpleasant roommate. That’s okay. You may not have control over that, but you surely have control over your orifices and senses. Play loud music in your headphones if you have to—to drown out those negative voices you don’t want to hear, fix your eyes on your work desk, don’t talk to them. Just create an inner sanctuary.

And I don’t want to say you have to be totally averse to risk or discomfort or offence. Growth happens in pain, they say. But not all pain leads to growth. Some just leads to trauma. Choose your pain wisely (the kind for which you think the reward is worth the cost) and completely block out the rest. This way, your body may age, but your spirit will stay light and buoyant, and your joy will be preserved.